Poetry and Writings-kellenco

Multiple Paths To Healing ~

Dissociative Identity Disorder

A Method of Surviving Child Abuse

Our Poetry is the Window to Our Soul -
The Only Means by Which to Reach the Depths at Which our Pain Abides
by members of kellen&co

Paindrops from Heaven’s Eyes

Pain stares out of a little child’s eyes as her mind switches channels till a blank screen appears.

Afraid of her dreams, not allowed screams; afraid of loud voices, not allowed choices; afraid to show fears, not allowed tears.

Innocence torn from a child of God with a pain so great it steadily pulls her under.

Now where are you God? Can’t you hear her soul cry? Let me hear your anger in a roar of thunder!

Despair stares out of a little child’s eyes as her mind switches places so another can absorb what she cannot bear.

Robbed of purity, given no security; robbed of trust, given only lust; robbed of care, given pulls on the hair.

Open-eyed and vulnerable she waits – for that feeling of dread, for footsteps, for the touch, for the smell.

Please God, will you save her this time? Don’t you listen? Why won’t you put an end to her hell?

Sorrow stares out a little child’s eyes as her mind switches gears and she wishes for butterfly wings so she can escape.

Fighting for life, does daddy think she’s his wife? Fighting for breath, would it be easier to embrace death? Fighting to escape, is there always to be only rape?

Ragged breathing fans her face, his mouth covering hers to stifle the cries, she gags from the stale smell of beer.

Open your eyes God, see the pain! Why don’t you open your arms and hold her tight to ease the fear?

Madness stares out a woman-child’s eyes as her mind turns off, or tries to anyway, ‘cause it’s calling forth memories too frightening to believe.

Hating the gift, needing the giver; hating the game, accepting the blame; hating to believe, needing to grieve.

Eroded, broken, a child’s spirit is destroyed, leaving nothing but a shell for the woman to inhabit.

All I was is now gone! What does this shell of a woman do now God? Will she ever be able to retrieve her spirit?

Vengeance stares out of a teenager’s eyes as her mind switches faces and vents anger on the woman and child she has found.

End the silence, let them tell of the violence; end the lies, let them remove the disguise; end the shame, let them redirect blame.

Never! Screams that scared, angry teenager who’s guarded all the secrets down through the years.

Send her a message God, if you’re there, if you care. Let her know it’s okay to open the gates of her soul and release the pain stored in her unshed tears.

Envy stares out of a woman’s eyes as her mind switches channels searching for the peace she’s seen others find.

Yes, remembering is hard, no don’t put back up your guard; yes, it may take quite a while longer, no don’t stop - you’re getting stronger; yes, you must continue working with memories, no not forever, you will find peace.

Eventually? Asks a weary woman who’s afraid to trust God’s caring about her and that He’ll never leave.

See the rain, my child, it’s paindrops from Heaven’s eyes. Hear the thunder, my child, it’s the roar of my anger at the evil-doers. Listen to the sound of a soft breeze, it’s the whisper of my love filling you with every breath you breathe.

HELP!

Help! I say silently because I can’t speak.

Help! I haven’t slept in too many years.

Help! I’m losing strength and I am weak.

Help! I’m drowning in my unshed tears.

Help! No one understands the wrenching pain.

Help! I’m overwhelmed with my life’s terrors.

Help! I’m covered in bloody evil’s stain.

Help! Silently scream the children – evil’s bearers.

Help! I’m whispering because I can’t yell.

Help! Listen to what my eyes are saying.

Help! I can’t find my way out of this Hell.

Help! God doesn’t seem to hear me praying.

Help! I need to leave this life behind.

Help! I need some way to escape the morass.

Help! I need out of this tortured mind.

Help! I wait to be able to say “ah, sweet death at last.”

Lord, Come To Me

Lord, come to me.

Lord, set me free.

I’m on my knees.

I beg You, please.

Take on my pain,

From where I’ve lain.

I’ve felt too much

Of evil’s touch.

Lord, come to me.

Lord, set me free.

I’m on my knees.

I beg You, please.

Can You hear me?

Do You really see?

I can’t hold on.

My strength is gone.

Lord, I need You

To see me through.

Lord, come to me.

Lord, set me free.

I’m on my knees.

I beg You, please.

I feel forsaken,

A child taken.

I feel the hurt,

Feel filled with dirt.

I need Your grace

And a safe place.

Lord, come to me.

Lord, set me free.

I’m on my knees.

I beg You, please.

I’m filled with fear.

Are you still near?

How can I dare

Believe You care?

Are You there for me?

Can it truly be?

I’m on my knees.

I’m praying please.

Lord, set me free.

Lord, come to me.

Sorrow's Face - Paint Shop Pro & Charcoal

(from a sunrise photo I took)

Sorrow’s Face - Poem

From whence comes the sorrow
Which shadows tomorrow?
It comes from yesteryears
And their forbidden tears.
Casting gray shades of gloom,
It leaves joy no room.
Smiles try to linger here...
They’re chased away by fear.
Sorrow digs in its feet.
Its triumph is complete.
Now depression has won.
It has darkened the sun.
I feel a cold embrace
As I wear sorrow’s face.

©8-5-07 kellen&co / kate17

IBAD

SO BAD

SO SAD

SO MAD

HURT BAD

I SAD

I BAD

I MAD AT

I BAD.

IBAD (3)

Reasons for Rhyne

What we can’t examine in the light of day

They come to me at night and say.

Here’s what happened, here’s what they did.

Here’s the reason we ran and hid.

You want to know if it’s real;

You want to know why you can’t feel.

I’ll tell you why when you ask,

Because it’s been part of my task.

Find the words that are buried deep.

Tell the reasons we can’t weep.

It all started long ago

When we first learned we couldn’t say no.

They plowed us long and they plowed us wide.

It’s part of how and why we never cried.

Like the needle on a record finding it’s groove

They taught us the rule we couldn’t move.

Take a breath, open your mouth;

Had to do what I called going “South”.

Found every place they could put themselves in

So we’d learn there’s no escape, we couldn’t win.

There wasn’t any place they didn’t find.

They even put themselves in our mind.

You want an answer to all the lost time.

This is the reason for the rhyme.

I’m telling you now and the story’s not just mine

But I’m a keeper of words and my name is Rhyne.

Not in Vain

If one child remains unbroken
‘Cause of secrets we have spoken,
All the terror and all the pain
Will not have been endured in vain.
We live in nightmares not in dreams.
Now listen to our silent screams.
They come from deep in the abyss
‘Cause we were touched by evil’s kiss.
The void is filled with all the tears
And all the screams no one hears.
Yet we can hear from deep inside
‘Cause we’re the ones who cannot hide.
We try! We try! To hide; to run.
Can’t get away ‘cause they’re not done.
How can they break us any more?
They stole our soul and killed our core.
So why stay quiet? Why not speak?
Because they think they made us weak?
They broke us o’er and o’er again,
But there is a way we can win!
Tell everyone what they have done
And we will finally have won!
So if one child remains unbroken
‘Cause of secrets we have spoken
All the terror and all the pain
Will not have been endured in vain.

©7/9/08 kellen&co
Kate17

Damaged Goods

(Villanelle form)

I’m damaged goods…that’s all I see.

My one true self seems caked in dirt.

Is there unbroken good in me?

This brokenness made me a we.

Can we recover from the hurt?

I’m damaged goods…that’s all I see.

Is damaged all I’ll ever be?

Can I take off this horsehair shirt?

Is there unbroken good in me?

I must escape…I need to flee!

There is no strength. I am inert.

I’m damaged goods…that’s all I see.

Is there an answer to my plea?

Can I with goodness ever flirt?

Is there unbroken good in me?

Am I ever to be set free?

Must I forever be alert?

I’m damaged goods…that’s all I see.

Is there unbroken good in me?

kate of kellen&co

No Escape…I’m Fine!

(Villanelle form)

May I escape this life of mine?

Life, let me go! I must insist!

“Obey” you say. “You are just fine.”

I do not mean to cry or whine.

Shadows really do not exist.

May I escape this life of mine?

Drink no more of human’s blood wine.

Please, please allow me to decline.

“Obey” you say. “You are just fine.”

You twist and mold this human vine.

I beg you please. Won’t you desist?

May I escape this life of mine?

No more on human’s flesh to dine.

I beg escape from terror’s fist.

“Obey” you say. “You are just fine.”

Please let me cross life’s finish line.

Death’s sweet call I will not resist.

May I escape this life of mine?

“Obey” you say. “You are just fine.”

kate of kellen&co

God’s Time

So many questions about what was done,

An yet no answers…not even one.

The answers will come in God’s own time

And they’ll be His answers, none of mine.

They’ll not be my wants, yet what I need

To plant in my soul a healing seed.

He’ll know when my heart is ready;

When I need Him to hold me steady.

The unknown reason to His rhyme

Will come to me in God’s own time.

I hope my faith’ll grow as I wait

To accept how He seals my fate.

I’ll continue to do my best

In an effort to pass life’s test.

My truth won’t change ‘cause of blindness

By others showing fake kindness.

Don’t humor me as if crazy;

Say I’m not well ‘cause I’m lazy.

While I hear others’ suggestions,

God has answers to my questions.

kellen&co - kate

Help Me Please

I don’t know why I keep trying,

When inside I feel I’m dying.

Done with life, I’m ready to quit,

Yet on your couch again I sit.

I need a reason to try for me,

Not one just for others to see.

Can you help me define that please?

It must be one for all the mes.

I’m not asking for quick healing.

Help me reconnect to feeling.

Help me find my healing track,

So I don’t feel stretched on a rack.

I try and try and I’m failing,

Like walking a string width railing.

I’m near to falling off the string,

And I can’t fly with not one wing.

Please help me grow some healing wings,

So I can know my heart still sings.

Or tell me why I should keep trying

When inside I feel I’m dying.

kellen&co / kate

waiting…

terror

winds

and

out

days

and

nights

bullwhip

leaving

unending

trail

bloody

stripes

our

soul

where of

no pain our

one the life

can with waiting

see dying for

them and our

and living death .

we are :

: …

kate / kellen&co

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Recommended Online Support Group
for those who have been diagnosed with DID
and are in treatment for healing with a professional,
and for those professionals who treat those with DID:

Multiple Paths To Healing - DID

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Our Poetry is the Window to Our Soul - The Only Means by Which to Reach the Depths at Which our Pain Abides by members of kellen&co

Recommended Online Support Group for those who have been diagnosed with DID and are in treatment for healing with a professional, and for those professionals who treat those with DID:

Multiple Paths To Healing - DID

Our Poetry is the Window to Our Soul -
The Only Means by Which to Reach the Depths at Which our Pain Abides
by members of kellen&co

Recommended Online Support Group
for those who have been diagnosed with DID
and are in treatment for healing with a professional,
and for those professionals who treat those with DID: