Our
Truth –The Story of kellen&co
by Kate, host of our DID
system
I am a survivor of many forms
of verbal, emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse which has
taken place throughout my life. I am a thriver. I won’t give up on
recovery. I won’t quit. I do have to say, however, that I haven’t always
been able to say “I won’t give up.” I go through recurring bouts of not
being able to find hope for healing any more. That’s when I dig in yet
again and work harder and even, if I must, go to an in-patient trauma
treatment unit for a “tune up”.
My psychiatric diagnoses
include Major Depression, Recurrent – Severe; Complex PTSD; Dissociative
Identity Disorder with a polyfragmented system; Agoraphobia and most
likely a few more thrown in for good measure by some doctor somewhere
along my recovery journey.
As for physical diagnoses, I
have Type II Diabetes; Tachycardia; High Blood Pressure; a blockage in
my heart; and High
Cholesterol. Along with these I am still considered obese, although I have lost 160
pounds over the last few years and am continuing to work on the obesity.
In addition, I had 4 strokes in March of 2008. Luckily I caught them
early and went to the hospital where I received treatment and then
physical and occupational therapy that has helped me return to almost
normal physical abilities.
I truly believe that all the
abuse I have been through has stressed my body’s system to such an
extreme it has reacted by breaking down with these conditions. I know
that is where the psychological conditions originated, but it is my
belief that the onset of the physical conditions was exacerbated
by the abuse.
I am the host alter of the DID
system that we refer to as kellen&co. We know the name, age, gender,
internal location, and some information about 273 alters who reside
inside. We also know that is not nearly all of them, but rather only
those who let their presence be known in some form or another.
I will attempt to reconstruct
an outline of our abuse history and how we believe alters were created.
This is an “as best as we have been able to learn and figure out”
collaboration by many alters. My hope is that more people will gain an
acceptance and understanding of the reality of this disorder, and the
prevalence of abuse which causes it. During all the ages talked about
below, and the years in between, we were constantly being molested or
raped by the father and used by the cult and/or others.
I want to state before anything
more is said, that I began recovering memories of abuse before I ever
spoke to or saw any type of psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist,
social worker or anyone else who could or would have implanted these
memories in my mind if they could have figured out a way to do this. I
have never been hypnotized or given medications of any type to recover
memories by any of these types of psychiatric professionals or anyone
else either. I also do not like nor have I watched or read books or
movies about horrors such as have been remembered by me and the others
in our internal system. The reason I state this up front is there are
those who call themselves professionals, who state that this disorder is
not real, that memories have all been implanted by psychoanalysts and
that we would not have "forgotten" the trauma if it had happened. They
say we want attention. I have tried to be invisible and hidden from
attention my entire life. I speak out now because the secrecy we were
required to maintain is what allows this type of abuse to continue. I
will no longer remain silent for the benefit of protecting perpetrators
of abuse. And now, our case...
The birth person hasn’t been
around since about the age of two as best we have been able to conclude. The family still calls us by the
name used at that age. They refuse to change what
they call us even though my alter name is only a variation of the birth
name. This change seems to be totally acceptable if you are a male in a
family and say, were born as Richard; were called Ricky as a child; and
as an adult decided to go by Dick. Why can’t the same acceptance to
change be granted to female members of a family?
We have alters that are aged
beginning at one year old and therefore believe the abuse started at that
time or before. It would make sense that he began molesting through
touch at a very early age in order for us to be used to it before we could
talk and tell. Also, we have a 1 ½ year old inside who got across to our first therapist
that her daddy hurt her in the bathtub and then washed her. When asked if the
cloth had anything on it or any color on it afterward, she stated
“apple”...red. A 1 ½ year old wouldn’t know their colors yet but could
match a food to the color. I know we talked at an early age and I believe it to be
true.
We have alters aged two who come
out and choke and gag and express about daddy’s “tee tee” being in their
mouth. Also we have learned daddy put “sticks” or “rods” in them
starting at two and they weren’t all the same size, as in some hurt more
than others. I/we believe this was to stretch our vagina and rectum to
be able to accept a man’s penis by age 4. Some
who are 3 and 4 say that is what they were told – so daddy could love
them better and also to ready us for cult members to use
sexually.
Some two year olds also have memories of
being taken to KKK groups and say those men wore white robes but took
them off. Pictures were drawn by us at age two and showed to the mother.
She
commented about how smart we were to be able to draw so many pages
of “ghosts” at only two years old. This was in the very early 1950’s so no
Casper the Friendly Ghost shows were around to have spurred the drawing of ghosts.
She still laughs about it to this day.
Shortly before we were four they
began training us for the cult in a neighbor doctor’s basement. We underwent
water torture in a rectangular tank where either our body was submerged
and held down or, at times, only our head was held under the water. This
was to teach us to hold our breath longer for the oral sex. It also was
a torture used to teach us they had total control. There was a room with
hooks in the ceiling and we were hung upside down. This reversed our
thought processes…good is bad, bad is good…up is down, down is up…right is
left, left is right…pain is pleasure, pleasure is pain…etc. It made us
not know what reality was. The first time I took the driving test at age
19 I was asked by the DPS officer to turn right and we turned left and
immediately flunked. I still get directions mixed up. There have been
times when I have felt pain as an adult and said it felt good or needed
to say you’re welcome and said thank you or vice versa. A lot of double
binds, opposites thinking or reversed thinking were programmed into my
mind.
There was a room with an
altar, bull whips and cattle prods on the walls, and an upside down cross
on the wall. This room was used to "teach" us what we were to do during
satanic ceremonies held in a nearby cemetery. (I believe the satanic
abuse was a cover up for the mind control experimentation rather than
true worship of any type of deity - be it satan or God.) There was a room that was all dark so you didn’t know when
you would be hurt but were sure you would be. There was a room with
bright lights similar to an operating room with a chair to be strapped
into for programming. There was a room like an
office for the “programmers”. There was a hole in the floor with a grate
over it that we would be put into. Kellen, the main internal seven year
old helper, has illustrated all this on
the system map she created. The variety of ways they used our
body created different types of alters...female and male, protectors,
helpers, ones who think they are evil and must look scary (in an attempt
to stay safe I believe), etc.
At four years old we began to
participate in the satanic rituals. We first became “satan’s bride” at
this age. They would hang people in trees by their hands and torture
them. We would be dressed in white and held up to stab them in the
heart. We had to eat part of the heart and drink some of the blood as
did all the cult members. I would be put on the altar and the men would
take turns having sex with me. Some of the artwork of the young ones
shows 30 men in robes around the alter and they say that’s how many
there were each time. Satan is always pictured in a red robe and the
others in black. They also did something they called the “unholy
trinity” where 3 men would have sex with us at one time…orally, anally,
and vaginally where it looked like the bodies formed a cross. A young
part took in dolls and showed our psychologist how this was done. This
continued through all the years of abuse.
Becca, who is four, says she was
the first bride of satan and therefore, since she didn’t stop it,
everything after that is her fault. Our psychologist still works with
her, trying to reverse that belief. How can one so small and sweet
consider herself so very bad and evil?
A five year old boy named Evil
talks to our psychologist about many things. One thing that seems to be
particular to him is that he would try to sew his fingers together by
passing a needle under the top layer of his skin. He said if they
were sewn together he couldn’t do the evil things he did. He also pulled
pill bugs apart and looked at their guts and then would try to put them
back together again. Maybe that’s just a little boy
thing? But considering what he has talked about witnessing at the
rituals he may have wanted to see if they bled like the tortured and
sacrificed people. Or maybe he wanted to figure out if he could put the
tortured people back together.
At seven we were also used by
a smaller group in a church-like setting. These parts of me were told that God needed
them to “purify” the men of their sin by “being one with them”. These
children, as well as many others, are terrified of God and afraid he’ll
strike them down with lighting. They also believe they are going to
Hell. Three in particular who have talked of these memories are kellen,
Ellen and Kate who are all seven years old.
At seven our oldest
brother began having us perform oral sex on him and a neighbor friend of
his. This went on for several years. It took place in the
bathroom in the father’s shop/garage.
We have an eight year old
named Beth who says she was prostituted to people. Some of this took
place in what she called “big cars” down in a coastal city near here.
She says one of them was trying to get money from the ones who “sold”
her to him and so they used her to lure him and then shot and killed him
in the bunkers from WW II. Those bunkers are still visible today. She
said when they shot the man she thought they were going to shoot her and
she holds her hands over her ears while she talks because the sound of
the gun shot hurt her ears.
We have an 11 year old named
Ellen who came out and stated she had sex with 10 men and daddy in the
bedroom of the recreation room daddy built over his shop. She told the
therapist exactly how each man took her and what was said, counting down
from 11 to 1, with the last being daddy. She said they had on Masonic
rings like daddy’s. I’m sure there were others created to help her
withstand this period of abuse, but they haven’t presented in therapy or
written about it yet.
At age 13 Rebecca was raped in our
barbeque house we had next to the house by my brother’s friend and three of
his friends. She says her face and head were hit on the concrete floor
and she was held down by the others while each one took their turn. We
developed Bels Palsey at 13 where half of our face was paralyzed for
about three months. I read up on this and it can happen because of trauma to
the muscles of the face. Also, she says she was
threatened by Bob with a knife if she told. Because we are programmed to
not be able to need anything she didn't tell the parents or anyone about
the face being paralyzed.
A friend at school noticed and reported it to the school nurse. She is also the first who
has said she had an abortion and that the cult doctor aborted twins. She
became bulimic for awhile trying to purge all the badness out of
herself. Even today, if something triggers the memories for her she gets
nauseous and the bulimia resurfaces although it is a problem we are now
able to control.
At age 14 Deathe was raped in the
barbeque house by the brother’s friend and four of his friends. She had an abortion
by cult doctors of a single fetus. She has always believed death is the
only way to stop it. She attempted suicide while at school one day. This was the first attempt
I’m aware of to actually kill ourselves.
Kate15 had the next abortion.
She hates herself and tries to kill herself. She attempted suicide by
overdose in our psychologist’s office and I was told our heart nearly
stopped on the way to the hospital. She was able to get out of the
restraints they put her in while in the hospital. She and a male 15 year
old named Grayson wrote a 3 page rap song about their experiences and
feelings.
Sixteen year old cricket is the one who met and dated and, I believe,
married the husband. She was devastated when she was told the husband
said the only way he had ever been able to have sex with us during our
25 year marriage was by rape, and that he knew what had happened to us at
the hands of the father. Why didn't he ever get help for us? Cricket says she had two abortions
by the cult group.
I, Kate17, as well as most
others, remember being placed in a hole in the ground in a cemetery with
the people who had been killed during the rituals, usually a man and
woman. They called them vagrants, street people and throw away people,
like hobos and the homeless. Also they were usually black and, back in the 50s
and 60s in the south, not much would have been done about missing black
people or even dead ones. We are all afraid people will be able to "see"
what we have done and hate us or hurt us for it. I have memories of being tied to my canopy bed
at age 17 by the father during the three days the mother was in the hospital
for some type of breast surgery. I was allowed up to use the restroom
and to help take care of our infant baby brother. I also had two
abortions that I remember. One was on January 29, 1969. The first time
anyone of us said we had been abused was January 29, 1994. We have a
really hard time on this date every year. Blocker (male), Cindy (female)
and DeVil (a gay male) are the ones I’m most familiar with who are also
17. Blocker is a major protector and says he was created to block the
memories stored in the “memory block” inside on the Darkin level.
Jenna is 18 and says she was
created on the 18th birthday to be available after the
marriage. She also says we are still being called out by cult members or
her handler in present time. They use hypnosis and codes to get her and
other parts out. That’s also how they block all memory of this from me.
I have no proof it is happening because I remember none of it. When I
say that I would know about it if it were happening, my psychologist
tends to laugh a bit and remind me I don’t remember any of my life other
than the year the body was 17. That is a true statement. I have no
memory whatsoever of the mother or of school or childhood or most of our
adult life. I have
“learned” things from other parts of me and other 3D people.
Most of the satanic rituals
took place in a cemetery down the street from my house. What was a child
to do – tell someone to go look for the dead people in the cemetery? No
one would have believed us then and who would believe us now when there
is and never was any evidence left to be found. A cemetery was the
perfect place – crematorium, graves and surrounded on two sides by a
bayou. No one to hear and plenty of ways to dispose of evidence and the
people willing to do it. Much of the
“programming” and “torture” as a child took place in the neighbor doctor’s large house with a
basement that was two doors down from my house. It was not far for the father
to sneak us out after midnight for programming sessions or the rituals.
All this taught us to OBEY
immediately and without question. It taught us we were the evil, bad
ones. A couple of chants in our head go like this:
OBEY,
OBEY, do what we say.
OBEY,
OBEY, or you will pay.
You
won’t live another day.
and a litany of who and what
we are that goes:
Dirty, Bad, Evil...Bitch, Whore,
Prostitute...Killer, Murderer, Cannibal
Three sets of three
descriptions that get progressively worse within each set and each set
is worse. No wonder we have no self-esteem and think we deserve nothing
in life. There are many more chants and sayings that others have come
out and written or told the therapist they were taught.
I was also molested and/or
raped by two brother-in-laws, one of my sisters and an elderly neighbor
who was the grandfather of the little boy who lived next door.
I’m sure I’ve left out some
people but it’s not important to list everyone or every instance. I
think it would be impossible anyway, yet I think I have shown a good
sampling of how so many alters would have been created. I believe we
were created spontaneously at times, while at other times, situations
which would purposely create parts for specific jobs, were set up by the doctors and programmers of
the cult. There are internal perpetrators who start punishing us with
pain when we start talking about things, especially trying to figure out
the internal system or trying to undo programming. I’m not supposed to understand it apparently since
I’m the one out in the world most of the time now.
I’m not the birth person. I’m
an alter who came out in late 1994 and was put in charge by an
in-patient therapist who worked with me in 1995 and decided I should
become the driver of this “bus”. I, Kate, was extremely angry and
self-destructive back then. I cut and threw things. I was constantly
trying to kill myself or hurt myself or escape from psychiatric units
whether in medical hospitals or in psychiatric hospitals. That
particular therapist worked solely with DID patients on a DID unit at
Charter Hospital in Plano, TX. He helped me begin to understand I wasn’t
the only one in this body/mind and he taught a DID education class and
worked with me on a Ropes course. I think I have been blessed with
gifted therapists for the most part who were compassionate, gentle
souls. If not for them I don’t think I would have made it this far. Many
thought I wouldn’t...that I would take my own life, or one of the other
parts would. I’m still fighting the good fight. It’s exhausting but I
feel if I quit, then I let the perpetrators win. I don’t want that. I
also feel that if any good is to come from what happened and may be
continuing to happen, it will be that someone else can be helped by my
being willing to speak out about the realities of abuse and DID. It is
real. I have lived it every day of my life since a very young toddler,
even when I/we didn’t know about each other. It is all about hiding
what’s going on because that’s what we’re taught to do. I wasn’t to talk,
move, scream, cry or show any emotions or signs that I was being hurt,
both during the abuse and afterward when I was around safe people.
I realize much of this sounds
pretty unbelievable. I don’t want to believe it either. I’m often in
denial. But how do I explain where the memories and all the “others” who
talk on our session tapes with our therapist came from? They have the
voices of children and you can hear the terror in their voices when they
talk of the “bad stuff”. To them they are as bad and evil as it gets.
All of us still have a difficult time calling the sexual acts “rape” or
“incest”. We manage it at times but it feels wrong because it “has to be
our fault”...
and the story of our life
continues...
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